85

my heart is about to stop
and i dont want to cry
i have the worse feeling about tonight
today
kensing
everything
was weird today
i have the same feeling that i had during beecroft trip on shrums ,
same feeling of emptiness of life
i feel super emotional and empty about every damn point in my life .
today was a strange day after a long time
so much happened in one day and im not used to .
today was the day i met florencia after 5 months
saw samira for the first time
saw setareh after a year
saw saba for the first time
and
saw how fucked up my love life is .

84

زن توی سرم نشسته یه گوشه با یه لباس گشاد و پشت سر هم سیگار دود میکنه
همینطو هم خیره شده به من

83

boardsofcanada days and [ me ] being the way i hate
i desolate myself by unnecessary events that happen one after another and stop me from having what pleasures me the most .

there is something that stops me and i'll find that god damn thing and destroy it .

82

i stopped liking myself .

81

غمگین ترین رابطه زندگیم و باهاش داشتم
حس بین زمین و هوا
آخ

80

دارم میمیرم از درد

از بدن درد 

78

i miss writing
miss it miss it miss it
the days where i could just write down with out any censorship and ideas would flow in my mind nonstop
i had stuff to talk about
i could express
but now days
i just fucking nag about the fact and i can't fucking write
what is with me
that keeps me away so much with writing ..?

77

school classes are done

one term went by so fast 

the best four months of my life passed 

first semester at o c a d u 

thank you 

i mean it 

./

76

lost interest.

74

get rid of of anything that will destroy you ...

73

so much on my mind that i can't express
deep down in my heart there's something that keeps on telling me that its wrong
but
it feels so right
that i dont want to think about any other thing about it
i was waiting for this day
that you would love me
that they hasnt come yet
but it will.
or i will get ruined
sitting at a corner and waiting
like always

72

the evenings that he drops me home
oh those depressing winter evenings when there's traffic
and
our energy is gone
but
all i want is another traffic light
so i can stare at you and not worry about a damn thing
the moment i close the door car and walk in the driveway
it kills me
it just does
i am at a point that i want to live with you
but it wont happen
i rather not think about it
and have a large bowl of ice cream
yeah ...

71

یعنی میشه همه اینروزهای سردگرمی رابطه مون سر و سامون بگیره ؟
که تو تمام و کمال بشی مال من
که نخوام جلوی احساساتم و بگیرم
که حق دوست داشتنت و داشته باشم
که وقتی دلم میخواد بهت بگم دوست دارم
بهت بگم که عاشقتم و تو هم بپذیری
نه که مسول و نگران احساستم باشی
که دیگه من و دوره یی نخوای
من و برای همیشه بخوای
همونطوری که من تورو همه جور و همیشه و توی همه ی شرایط خواستم

70

you kiss my hands .
 my tiny hand in your palm
   i touch your wrist and count the beats
       your  gentle kisses on my forehead

butterflies all over my stomach

69

feeling so strange sitting in my studio
three am
and
i feel so strange and sick
i have to wake up in three hours
seems like everything runs in threes now days
t r e e s

67

you're back to me
and words cannot describe how i feel again .

68

the year i was born .
numbers...
it's eight thirty eight am
my essay is due in less than three hours
and
i am confused
and
stressed
i just want it done .

66

[whiskey , bahman and peymanyazdanian]
strange feelings
i stopped it
its strange how you can love someone so much and the next second " boom "
its gone !
i just dont understand the whole point of love
i mean everything is changeable
if everything can change
he was right
if people can fade away so easy from each other's eyes
then how can someone trust loving
i guess you just have to take the risk
but what if i dont want to go through the harm and pain ?
what if i want to live my life alone and not stress about someone else's feelings and emotions ?
what if i am scared of commitment and responsibilities ?
strange yet exciting and time consuming lol

65

i just miss writing

miss being creative when i was able to just transfer every little thing that would happen in my head to my hands .

its hard when you stop for a while 

you stop to express 

you rather have a photo image 

but that doesnt work for you since im getting very forgetful 

I mean i'm getting as bad that i don't even want to write any essays anymore . 

i'll get to  the habit again ...

64

rebound ,
the saddest word that one can say .
when you basically replacing one person with another .
and that replacement is not pleasant at all .
and i'm going through a rebound that is more like killing myself slowly
everything reminds me of someone else and i have to pretend by smiling and trying to act like nothing happened .
nothing happened ?
everything happened for the past two weeks .

tabarnak

63

when i dropped
him
off
i
cried
even though
i
promised
him
not to cry anymore for
him
i
could not resist the tears
i
am confused
about
his
love
i
told
him
that
he
lost
my
love and
he
told
me
that
he
did not deserves it anyways
...
and that's when you realize life is not that hard but people are confuse...

it's a big world and we all run in big circles

62

school days
sleepless days
lovey dovey days
m aa d m e n days
high days
excited/lost/enchanted & at last happy !

61

7 am
yonge and sheppard
i hate you

60

sitting in my studios floor ,
listening to a m elies soundtrack
life is strange
school is different
today i did some graffiti
im working on my colour project now .
im isolated and feel like there are no outer world outside my room
it doesnt make me sad anymore
loneliness is becoming a  part of me ,
that part of me that i enjoy
enjoying spending time alone
most of the time i dont find people interesting
much of them bore me
and the rest ...
too annoying to even consider
but this loneliness is aright
i get more time to observe
...

59

how is it that you love someone and they just seem not to give a damn fuck .
 i cried a lot for the past 48 hours
 last night all alone in the park ,
 and tonight , fuck with tonight .
 it torn me apart
 i don't want to love anymore
 the more i love , the more i get hurt

hmm nagging all the times for things that are so irritating in my life .
let go
let go let go

من اونو میخوام اما اون من و نمیخواد

why would you even get involved emotionally when you're not even damn emotionally balanced ?!

دیوونه شدم با خودم حرف میزنم
نشستم رو تخت با موهای باز عر میزنم فقط
i shall just pass the fuck out .

58

first day of school such a beautiful school day well , the classes haven't started yet but i got my card and did my loan stuff it feels good to know oc a d if finally my home school . so excited for this year

57

lets hope that what happened is just beginning of something really amazing ?! ... 

amazing : ) 

56

this is what he wrote for me : I must go to sleep and pretend you are with me

55

Lying down , Its 3:39 am And its my last night . i'm leaving tomorrow morning , the past 65 days here were the most adventures days of my life . I knew 22 would get better atlast . 22/2012 was the year i developed in every stage possible , character wise , social wise and in general somehow exotic . So , i have mixed feelings about going back . I mean i have to but at the same time i got used to this life so much that it makes me scared not to have it anymore . Mont rèal thought me so much . So much that i'm energized for a while . Kiss goodnight to my last night of this beautiful town xxx

54

so its july 30th already ?! 2 months already ?

53

i dont write that often anymore i prefer to take photos and capture moments in my mind within myself every moment of my life is so beautiful that i dont want to share it with anyone , i just want to sit down and think about my beautiful memories . just like this morning and six am when i woke up and went to the balcony and just stared at the rain ... life is full o moments and i want to live in those moments...

52

last night of 5293 depresses me , and makes me sob. 5293 you have no idea how dear you are to me ...

51

How am not gonna miss the bell rings on sunny afternoon in montreal , while sitting in the balcony and getting high . I hate missing .

50

There's an strange feeling in me , feeling if leaving this house is driving me crazy , i knew this will happen, the fact im living with memories .. i will miss everything , every damn little thing .

49

Sitting in my balcony obvioualy smoking a joint and waiting for parents to get here , nanc flopped :/ montreal is sucha experience I dont want to share it with anything else . I feel likw its always been here and my life was alwYs like this, living with eric and having lovely neighbours and chilling in the balcony going to j.d.m and tan , Its been 18 days And i gotta look for a bew place . Only if i fix my laptop...

48

it rains in here, first grocery shopping fist guest came over - fo ,mo old mont, whiskey on rocks , passing out ./

47

lying down in my bed my room my house. I'm living without my parents for the first time and i can't believe it ... i'm so very excited , I have the most amazing roommate :) i went to the manifestation today i drank a lot . today was the longest day of my life.

46

Just the moment that the bus turns on starts driving slowly in the tiny streets of downtown toronto , i realized how much this city will be missed and how. Much i belong and i love toronto , but as i said before sometimes letting go is for your own good. Meanwhile lets love Montréal !!!

45

Walking and lighting up the joint ... 3:45 am Me sitting in the middle of the street finishibg the joint , lighting up the cigarette . 3:50 am A house's light turns on .3:51 am Lights off . Me nervous . 3:52 am Me , thinking about montreal and living alone for the first time . 3:56 am ( wow that took long ) I saw the last meteor of a summer night . 3:57 am Sip of my water 3:58 am Walking back home ( i think this is the last time im sitting here at this very moment , may 29th ,2012 . I think about time alot . I'm like the rabbit in wonderland . Carrying watches and clocls and numbers and dates and time around ) 3:59 am I'm walking back . 4:00 am

44

I feel something so strange deep down what if it doesn't go the way I planned for ?

43

Soo i didnt try posting with my phone , it's annoyingly slow but , better than not writing at all you know ... I'm at my crib , smoking the cigarette after my joint and all i did today was grocery clea ing cooking food , cupcakes and kossher like that . I only wish to get away from this uncomfortableness at home ... In 8 days .

42

بي اهميتي ، خيلي ميدونم بخاطر كوكولي اينجوري ولي من از كوكولي قوي ترم اونقد پيشت ميمونم تا كوكولي بره

41

can i get higher than this ?! [ all is full of love ] shouting in my earsss leaving in 9 days , so happy , bought Polaroid camera / went dt with parents / lots of whiskey / lots of pot/ lots of disturbed conversations with my dad . / fucking finally got my period ! / [ next song playing : Royksopp - what else is there ] bought french books and trying to learn at last / I really wanted to talk to maca but she didn't pick up / paid my ocad deposit .phewww / that's about it .

40

i'm starting to drink whiskey and liking it which is very strange since in the past 22 years of my life I was never a fan of whiskey but I'm liking it more than anything else at this phase . keeps me warm inside and out . I had my last glass of J.D with ice @ biistro 4 2 2 with Izk & maca. I love hanging out in random bars with random/great people .

39

mother's day , I didn't do anything for her, just gave her a hug and told her how much i love her . I guess that's what everyone wants, love with a whole heart.

38

You'll be given love You'll be taken care of You'll be given love You have to trust it Maybe not from the sources You have poured yours Maybe not from the directions You are staring at Trust your head around It's all around you All is full of love All around you All is full of love You just aint receiving All is full of love Your phone is off the hook All is full of love Your doors are all shut All is full of love! All is full of love All is full of love All is full of love All is full of love All is full of love Bjork - All Is Full Of Love

37

shoot for 14 hours with a 16 mm camera at semm's with Nadj and Fo , difficult but thrilling experience. I never knew what I was capable of till tonight ...

36

if montreal happens...

35

tonight was the night i took taazaa and four others on a ride to the strip club in back of my car , tonight was the night i found out what the fuck is going on . tonight was the night .

34 - Andrew

picked him up ,  we drove to phoenix , oh my beloved phoenix ... had wine in my car , chugging the wine in the bottle m puff puff passing the joint ,waited in the line got in , this random band came and sang , we're talking about everything to anything and anything to everything . Yann comes , amazing song playing , and he puts his arms around me , and the moment that he looks at me and tells me " can I kiss you ? " and I kiss him , and I giggle sooo much inside . feeling of achievement was the best .

33 - B R Y A N T

full moon , by lakeshore  , baackpaackusa ,  the yellow , red and green , " you babe " , high & high . it's right that they say "life's but a dream " briefly explaining , that's what happened between us , i drove and drove in very early morning .

32

so , I haven't write about my little journey to ottawa and montreal , haven't write about what happened to me and what so called friends around me , haven't write about my big decision of moving to montreal for summer , haven't write about yann tiersen's amazing concert with my lovely company ... haven't write but I will very soon , as long as i can organize this messy mind of mine . lost - season 4 - eposide 4 !!

31

our phase was over
you know
life is long
...

30

Young girl in the market
Music to the men
When the men leave
Her eyes are red
When her eyes are closed again she sees the dark market of above

And she sings
'They say the most horrible things
But I hear violins, when I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done'

Young boy in the market
Follows all the men
When the men leave
He's out of his head
When his eyes are closed again he sees the dark market of above

And he sings
'They break the most beautiful things
But I hear violins, when I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done
I look into your eyes
And I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done'

Center of the sun

Young boy in the market
Sees the girl alone
And asks her
'Have you lost your way home?'
She sings
'You say the most beautiful things, just like my violins'

I look into your eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

When I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

'Cause
I hear violins
I hear violins

I hear violins
I hear violins

Center of the sun

I hear ...violins

29

quit cigarettes day 3 !!!

28

these days , I just think of love ,
how i missed to be loved by someone ,
doesn't matter who
just someone out there who would actually care about me and love me ,
I'm not exaggerating at all
but I haven't felt loved in a loooong time
I mean
I loved couple of people
but
they never loved me back ...
I guess i'm giving up loving people and starting loving things ...

27

there is a pause ,
there is something in pause in my life that's been bothering me ,
there's a feeling that feels like a pause
I have no idea when that pause started to kick
but definitely could sense the pause ...
I wanna play soon .!

26

so , I've been doing some random dancing/yoga moves in my backyard ... strange view ... I know...

25

life has a new meaning these days
a new path
new phase
why can't it just be September already ?
where I can wake up early in the morning and have breakfast with daddy ,
get ready and take the morning train to downtown , looking artsy with my bike and camera around my neck
having my morning coffee under butterfield and relax and get ready for my class ..
ughh
daydreaming again ...

24

"Dear Nazila:

Congratulations!

Your portfolio presentation was strong and your application for admission to OCAD University has been successful. On behalf of the university, I am delighted to extend the offer of admission to the First Year, Bachelor of Fine Arts program in the Faculty of Art. "


Today , will always stay in my memory ,
march 29th,2012
the day I got accepted to  "OCAD"
never been this happy
They finally adopted me !



Today is the first day of the rest of my life .

23

I'm really pissed .
why can't I just have my acceptance already ?

22

so , we drove to Hamilton . Me & Frankie .
really needed to get away from toronto ,
even for few minutes
I love toronto
but
sometimes,
I feel like there's no more places I can hang out
and it makes me worried ...
I'm so tired of the same streets that I keep on driving back and forth .
same subway trains,
same alleys ,
same home,
same places,
same life ,
same everything,
same me ?!
...

21

Capricorn's Daily Horoscope : March 24, 2012 "You're not known for associating with dull people. In fact, if someone isn't funny, interesting or intelligent, they shouldn't expect to see you again. Prepare to add a name to that esteemed list."

I absolutely got my answer towards you with my horoscope :)

20

daddy turned 60 ,
never experienced 60 so close ,
when did he got so old ?
it's a strange age
so fucking strange ...
it hurts .

19

thirteen ninety one
is
here .


[ how strange ]

18

Spring is here all of a sudden ,
never seen Toronto this warm in middle of March .
this morning when I was standing by my window looking at the sunshine and feeling like it's summer , I had the most nostalgic deja vu .I can't even describe how I felt but everything made sense at that moment , life had a meaning in a glance , the vibe that entered my body from toe to head made my want to run in big circles and scream .
all of these feelings ,emotions and different phases that I go through is happening because at this moment of my life there is absolutely nothing stabled , everything is all over the place ... and I'm just wondering that when ? when will all these stress and instability will go away ... like now , now that it's 6:48 AM and I'm still awake and thinking...

17

joints after joins
lighting cigarettes one after another
so , last night was Chahārshanbe-Sūri ( firework feast)
and we went to this really cozy dark park in pickering ,
he held my hand
and
i didn't giggle
so that's it .
done .

16

she turned 29 today ,
and words cannot describe how much i love her .

15

tonight was strange
tonight,
everything had a meaning .

14

So, I lost my head a while ago

But you've seem to done no better

We set fire in the snow

It ain't over, I'm not done


Some do magic and some do harm

I'm holding on, holding on

I'm holding on to a straw


Who is the Alpha and What is made of cloth?

How do you say you're sorry?

And there's nothing to be afraid of


Is it dark already? How light is a light?

Do you laugh while screaming?

Is it cold outside?


One thing I know for certain

Ohhhhh I'm pretty sure,

It ain't over I'm not done.

13

I'm going to be honest with you and share a secret ,

I dearly and deeply miss having my sisters living with me (us) some mornings I wake up and think that oh they might come back but its just a desolated dream ...
I wish I didn't have a huge age gap with them , or they would not get married so close apart .
I can't get over the fact .
It's hard
and it bothers me every now and then ...

12

که بشینی یه گوشه و تو دفترت بنویسی
آ ر و م

11

Sitting as high as I can in total darkness ,
right in middle of the couch
so much going in my mind .
life seems like a bubble to me ,
it's funny how i feel like any second someone will touch that bubble and I'll be kicked out of that dreamy , bubbly world .
I love living in bubbles...

10

Just got home . a good night , good music , good company , what else do I need to be happy , sometimes I feel like I miss happiness by glance , like I know it's out there for me but I just don't look clearly .
Sharam was amazing , saw bunch of people that I wanted/didn't want to see.
partied with people that I never partied before .
at this moment I'm the drunkest , highest and happiest girl .
good morning Toronto !

9

I just want to remind myself and also remember that twenty two by far was the most challenging ,
also , I can feel the woman I'm turning to
growing up is bittersweet .

8

That moment when you walk by her and you don't say hello...
time change people
and people change,
and there's no hope ,
so you better just stop caring.

7

watched the oscar tonight at gir-cha's with Rana and others .
so glad that The artist was nominated and won couple of oscars , they absolutely deserved it after all the efforts they put in for the movie.
passing out at this moment .
oops
zzzzzzZZZZZzzzz

6

today was one of the most important day of my life .
I'm done with my interview
finally !
despite of how everything got messed up last minute from the weather , our power electricity went down , my portfolio got lost and so on ,
but the interview went on great .
I get to sleep after a while :)

5

My internet at home is disconnected :( I had to take the modem back to them and the new company is coming to reconnect tomorrow morning . ah what a bad time , now that i'm working on my portfolio and I need internet access I only have my one and only 3G .

things are getting better with my portfolio and everything in general , I'm at OCAD right now and I was working on my damn creative personal statement . I'm not even good at righting essays! whatever it wants to be , a creative one , a non creative one . I can just write short phrases . short nonsense sentences in a weird format that mostly looks like a haiku .
anyways, I have to write it and it's a must .
aight ,
going for a smoke under butterfeild with sunshine .

4

busy days , short days , collage days , portfolio days , productive days , sexless days , loveless days , new hope days , temporary days , drawing days , stressful days ,
and these days
will go on with a new resolution .

3

I've been working on my portfolio,listening to fever ray, inhaling nonstop for the past 48 hours , I feel like I don't have enough time even though everything is very prepared and organized...

I'm going through a very emotional phase with my close friend , but I'm too mad to say anything . my mind is totally blocked about it.

I'm having a cup of warm tea and writing poems in my journal .

sometimes letting go is for your own good .

2

so , all i did today, was enjoying every moment of sunshine in the cold weather , taking photos , smoking joints , drinking coffee , driving around , working on the new project and loving every single moment of today.

I guess i'm turning to a happier person , which is absolutely great for someone who has been depressed most of her life .

happiness loves me .

song of the day : Fever Ray -Keep the streets empty

1

It's about time , time to start a blog in english , since it's the most stressful and critical days of my life . but this is not the only reason for my blog , I've been a blogger for years but my writings were mostly in Farsi my most active days of writing was when google reader was alive it was the best thing that ever existed before they completely destroy it and launch it with bloody google plus :(

so , I'm here once again trying to write ( hopefully on a daily basis ) I still feel uncomfortable this whole new blog but eventually I'll feel different .

should I introduce myself ? I don't think it's even necessary to do that since there would be absolutely no one reading these stuff for a while .

for now ,all this blank blog needs to know about me is a twenty two years old girl from Toronto.


song of the day : Royksopp-what else is there